Ugly Gardens Roundup #1
March 2002
This is part of The Ugly Gardens Project. Go there for an explanation of why this page is here!
Warning: large page with lots of large(ish) images!
Before we embarked, we had to fill up on petrol, and lo and behold we saw a man at the petrol station, striking what Bob called "an interesting pose".
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Of course pictures of petrol stations naturally interest us, so I'm sure they'll interest you, reader.
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Particularly uninspiring. The gravel looks as though someone intended on doing something about it, but then went off to watch 'ready steady cook'. Thus the gravel is redundant - what is the point in having a five square metre area of gravel in your front garden? Also note prominent gas/mains pipe & box on wall.
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Wow, a fish and chips ambulance, fantastic! Next time I'm really hungry I'll dial "999" and ask for fish 'n' chips!
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Though at this angle it looks acceptable, the yellow stone is just too much. I mean, why would a well be sitting in the middle of a patio of suspiciously yellow stone? Far too neat. Plus the only living matter in this garden is probably the trolls that live in the well (no plants to be seen anywhere). All set off to the fantastically realistic stone cladding.
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Now this one's just desperate to show itself off. Its on a little raised bit at the corner of two roads, so it can be viewed by anyone nearby. I can just imagine the wife saying "dear, can we at least put a tree in?" "No! Maximum viewing angle, MAXIMUM I SAY!" Although it looks as though the serfs who built the mound got killed off by the plague before they could get around to putting anything in it. I am really not sure why there is a strip of gravel down the middle of the driveway: I doubt any weeds would be seen dead trying to grow in this garden.
We are reliably informed that the lady who owns this house is in fact in her 80s, and pays someone to keep the garden nice and tidy for her. We suggest, therefore, that either previous resident or this hired gun is to blame for the serf genocide.
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I am speechless.
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Ditto. Perhaps the fact that they are so close to the shops where the scooter gang hang out that they have had to put the fence up for extra protection. The members of the scooter gang are too stylismo to go anywhere near that gate. Or maybe its where the scooter gang live. Hm now theres an intriguing idea...
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The garden that started it all. From a distance you see what looks like a gravel pit at the front of a DIY store. As you get closer, you realise it's a garden, and then you notice the putrid yellow ceramic bordering, and the mathematically perfect squares, with a path going through the middle.
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All I can do is wonder how that 'for sale' sign got knocked over. It probably tried to commit suicide. Is there such a thing as being allergic to plants, because there seems to be a dangerous tendency to cover gardens in fake stone.
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Have you ever seen the Truman Show? Or thought what a town full of Barbie dolls might look like? I swear we didn't just take a photo of a toy! I thought the plastic fencing you see in Homebase was just to tie the kiddies down when you want a peaceful garden. There was a close of about 15 houses with the exact same garden. Maybe it's a golf course.
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More fake stoke, but this time, just for fun, they've coloured some of the stones bright red and yellow. Mmm. Yummy. Maybe they wanted to camouflage the burglar alarm.
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Nice stone cladding.
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Forgetting the fake stone for a second, did they have some kind of industrial accident on their driveway? Or did they start covering it in a lighter shade of concrete, and get bored? Perhaps the light patch is what caused the plague that killed off the serfs from down the road.
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Not content with one house, these entrepreneurial spirits have made excellent use of the space in front of their house, probably renting it out to PE students in De Montford University. There's also nothing quite so classy as a plastic door.
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Now there are plenty of gardens covered in piles of sand, cement and bricks; we assume because of building work, or perhaps because building has been in their family for five generations and they think it looks ornamental. But this house ripped up their driveway and front garden, and then.... left it like that! No sign of activity, just a bodged attempt at crazy paving.
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There must be someone very important living there to warrant 8ft high black ironcast fencing. Shame about leaving the gate open, then.
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Wow, that's an ugly looking garden! Oh no, wait, that's just Bob getting hold of the camera.
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Y'know, I'm starting to warm to the ornamental building site look. I suppose it solves the old too-many-books-and-no-space problem quite neatly (or chaotically).
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Is there an Ancient Greece society I've somehow missed out on? I'm sure they don't post their meetings in the local paper's "what's on" guide. Or maybe their kids got a bit carried away after watching Disney's version of Hercules. At least it's not made of fake stone or gravel, it hasn't got a JCB parked on top of it, and they managed to avoid plastic.
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